Name: EsDeeKid.

Age: Unknown.

Appearance: Let’s not muck about here – it’s Timothée Chalamet.

I don’t know who EsDeeKid is. EsDeeKid is a Merseyside rapper who recently got his first Top 10 hit and currently holds three spots in the UK Top 40.

And he looks like Timothée Chalamet? Oh yes, EsDeeKid looks like Timothée Chalamet. He looks just like Timothée Chalamet.

Are you suggesting that EsDeeKid is actually Timothée Chalamet in disguise? I couldn’t possibly comment on such unverified hearsay. But the entire internet could. And it is. Relentlessly.

Something must be fuelling this conspiracy. Plenty: first and foremost is the fact that EsDeeKid’s identity is top secret, and he has only ever been photographed in disguise. But the parts of him that aren’t disguised – his eyes and the top of his nose – look exactly like Chalamet’s.

Interesting. Also, remember that Chalamet loves to rap. Not only has he rapped on Saturday Night Live, but he also rapped in school under the moniker Lil Timmy Tim.

That’s hardly anything to go by. How about the fact that Chalamet has been spotted at a London show of noted EsDeeKid collaborator Fakemink? How about the fact that, according to amateur TikTok investigators, they both own the same scarf?

Timothée Chalamet (left) and EsDeeKid. ‘Undeniable’ … Timothée Chalamet (left) and EsDeeKid. Composite: Instagram/esdeekid; Marilla Sicilia/Getty Images

I’ve changed my mind. This is undeniable. Well now, hang on a minute. GQ recently did some serious investigative journalism on the matter and discovered that, on 9 October, EsDeeKid was playing a show in Milan while Chalamet was attending a screening of his upcoming film, Marty Supreme, in New York.

He couldn’t have leaped offstage, raced to the airport and flown to New York? Unless he crossed the Atlantic on a fighter jet, it’s impossible. Although let’s not forget that Chalamet once arrived at a premiere on a Lime bike, so commandeering an F-22 Raptor just to add fire to an obscure internet conspiracy theory wouldn’t be completely out of character.

Or what if Chalamet hired a body double to perform in Milan? Oh, stop. Have you ever considered the possibility that the internet might occasionally be wrong about things?

I find that hard to believe. And anyway, EsDeeKid isn’t even the first musical act to find themselves at the centre of a conspiracy like this. Remember Klaatu?

Who? They were a Canadian band from the 1970s. After people heard their first album, a rumour started that it had actually been made by the Beatles.

I bet that boosted their reputation. Sort of. On one hand, it made them so famous that the Carpenters ended up covering their song Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft. On the other, once word got out that they were just a regular band from Toronto, everyone lost interest.

So EsDeeKid definitely isn’t Timothée Chalamet? Probably not. Unless he is, in which case, you heard it here first.

Do say: “You never see EsDeeKid and Timothée Chalamet in the same room together.”

Don’t say: “I’m EsDeeKid.”