Two smug Married At First Sight wives arrive for final vows on Tuesday night thinking they’re about to reject men who love them — but the tables turn, leaving one sobbing in the woods and the other reading her vows to an empty haunted house after her husband walks out mid-ceremony.

Channel 9 spares no expense with these dumpings. Producers even hire a smoke machine to enhance the drama when one of the blokes makes his triumphant exit.

More breakups should involve these kinds of theatrics and a trip to a party supplies store.

It’s final vows. The moment where the remaining couples decide if they’ll continue their relationships or mercifully put them out of their misery.

All the freaks pack up their belongings and are evicted from Trash Tower. They’re forced to return to their own respective crap shacks to spend the week alone before reuniting to deliver their final decisions at mesmerising locations, such as a creepy forest on the side of the Hume Highway and an abandoned mansion.

We know Rachel and Steven stay together. Same with Filip and Stella. In fact, Filip even proposes. But we’re not here for happy endings. We’re here for carnage, tears and public humiliation.

Enter: Bec and Danny. And Alissa and David.

Alissa’s character arc is now complete: from wide-eyed underdog to manipulating villain. Even the other contestants can see it.

“It’s a dictatorship, not a relationship,” Danny observes about how Alissa treats David.

After David desperately fought for his relationship at last night’s dinner party — putting aside all ego and dignity to drop to one knee and return his wife’s discarded wedding ring — Alissa iced him out completely.

“She’s someone I don’t recognise. She’s cold. I mean nothing to her,” David tells us. “Right now, I’m questioning whether she ever wanted this to start with.”

Weirdly, Alissa genuinely thinks we’re all on her side.

“David being upset with that final test date was a big red flag for me,” she snips.

Oh, you mean the final test date where you flirted with another man, asked him to drop his pants, then mocked your husband behind his back before bragging you’re only “70 per cent committed” to your relationship? Yes, definitely some red flags present. But we’re not sure they belong to David.

“It’s toxic. And I’m, like, nup — in the bin,” she declares.

Alissa’s goal seems clear: Make David seem problematic so she looks like a hero by dumping him.

What she doesn’t anticipate? David exposing how problematic she is.

Alissa is absolutely certain she holds all the cards.

“He told me he loved me. The ball is in my court today,” she says smugly. “And it breaks my heart knowing I’m going to be breaking his heart at the end of this.”

We cackle maniacally as we anticipate the blindsiding we’re about to witness.

David arrives first at what appears to be a haunted house.

A coven of witches has absolutely resided here.
Producers spare no expense, hiring a smoke machine for his entrance.

The smoke machine is completely necessary.
When Alissa arrives, he wastes no time reciting his speech. He brings up everything — how she browbeat him into silence, too scared to voice concerns lest she scream at him. How she flirted on the final test and spoke poorly about him behind his back.

“I did everything you said you wanted. I gave you space. And I never tried to change you,” he says. “But what I’ve come to understand is that with you, there was no version of me that could win. If I pushed harder, I would’ve been called controlling. If I held back, I was labelled disconnected. I’ve been patient and I’ve done a lot of the listening. But I’m done listening.”

He continues: “So today, I’m not walking away because I’ve stopped loving you, Alissa. I’m walking away because loving you shouldn’t mean losing myself.”

And just like that, he dumps her — completely ruining her moment where she thought she’d get to reject him.

Part 1 of tonight’s double dumping feature.
As if it couldn’t be any more glorious, he then walks out of the haunted house — not even giving Alissa a chance to read her own speech.

“You’re not gonna listen to MY vows?” she calls after him.

He ignores her and keeps walking.

Alissa stands alone in the empty haunted house. “Wow, I just wasted three months of my life and he won’t even listen to me.”

The exact moment Alissa realises the ball is not, in fact, in her court.
Then, her instincts as a social media manager and fledgling influencer kick in. She wants a moment. So she plays to the cameras and starts dramatically reading her vows to absolutely nobody.

“David. Wow. I can’t believe we’re at the end of this experiment …” she recites, her usually sweet sunny voice layered with petulant disdain.

We don’t hang around to hear the rest of her speech. Partly because we don’t want to get attacked by a ghost. But mostly because we don’t care. We skip out of the haunted house and catch an Uber down the highway, veering off into a forest where Bec and Danny’s vows are taking place.

Bye, girl! Watch out for ghosts xx
Bec’s convinced Danny is about to declare his undying love.

“I think Danny loves me. I think he does,” she gushes to us. “Today could be absolutely life-changing for me. It could literally be the beginning of the rest of my life. I am manifesting that it’s gonna be the best day ever and I’m gonna hear exactly what I hope to hear and we’ll run off into the future together.”

Cue destruction in five, four, three, two …

“You were on the attack, you were vulgar. It seemed like you were seeking out drama. I was embarrassed and uncomfortable,” Danny says in his vows, bringing up Bec’s weeks-long rap sheet of misdemeanours.

We watch Bec’s face immediately change as she realises where this is heading.

Surprise!

Kinda sad he didn’t mention Bec’s fledgling fingerbang merch empire in his vows.
He admits that this past week apart, outside of Trash Tower, he hasn’t been missing her. Instead, he has felt relief.

“Bec, I believe you’re my soulmate as a friend, but I’ve realised there’s doubt in my mind if you’re my soulmate as a lover. I’m so sorry to do this to you but I can’t be your husband anymore. I know this might be hard to hear, but I think we both deserve a happy relationship and … like, a healthier one. I’m so f**kin’ sorry.”

For once, Bec doesn’t put up a fight. She’s clearly hurt, but she wants to leave before the tears start flowing.

“I don’t think there’s anything more to say. OK,” she mutters before stumbling off into the woods.

“That was f**kin’ brutal,” Danny says.

Bec’s subdued, vulnerable reaction catches him completely off guard. No aggression, no anger, no swearing or blame-shifting.

And then, he makes a startling confession.

“If she abused me it actually would’ve made it so much easier,” he tells a producer. “See, why couldn’t she have been like that during the experiment? I’d stay with her! It would’ve been so much better if she just twatted me one. Like, how flawlessly did she take that? Why couldn’t she have just been like that the whole way through the experiment? I’d be with the girl!”

But behind the scenes? Bec’s in the forest, slumped behind a pine tree, throwing a tantrum.

“I feel blindsided! I didn’t think it’d go this way!” she turns to whinge at a producer. “I want my phone! I want a flight tonight! F**k! Get me out of here now!”

There she is. The real Bec. Right on schedule.

Someone flag down the Channel 9 news helicopter and winch her out of the woods.
She leaves alone, returning to her $3 million house with a $97,000 mortgage in the most affluent suburb of South Australia.